You only hold me up like this, 'cause you don't know who I really am. I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive. Now I only waste it dreaming of you.
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Short absence of blogging.
Eye doctor appointment. They put drops in my eyes. Dilators. It paralyzed my pupils so they couldn't contract. Ever looked into the sun? I did all day today. Headlights burn through you when you're defenseless.
So obsessed with being someone else. It's sick. It's my escape.
I steal your words so I can feel them. I steal your worlds so I can fear them.
I steal your words so I can feel them >> I only keep myself this sick in the head...
I've got headaches and bad luck, but they couldn't touch you. I'm not trying. Disjointed thoughts. Disjointed joints. Carpal tunnel. Bad vision, check. Getting glasses actually. Date a rockstar, take a picture, freeze time, make them yours. Long after you're gone, you'll still be envied. Hahaha. Uncensored. I don't care about my stupidity.
I drift sometimes. My brain goes to fast. I know you said you wanted to be the last thing I thought of at nighttime. I want to be the last thing on your mind. You're the last thing on my mind. You're the last thing on my mind before I drift into dreamless sleep(less nights). That's all mine. I just want to make something BEAUTIFUL. I'll never be the same.
At night, my hands belong to you. Your nails trail my flesh, your lips brush my shoulder, your hands grasp my hips.
Trying that again. Hate typing a lot. Uncensored. Come as you are, get what you see.
Nails trail flesh, lips brush shoulders, hands grasp hips, knuckles caress necks, fingers lift skirts, undo zippers, unclip clasps, slip straps, nails dig into skin, then into covers, arms go around waists, foreheads nuzzle chins, eyelashes brush cheeks, teeth bite lips, breath wisps hair, tears stain cheeks, blood drenches thighs. Along with other things. Then again as always. Always. Always. Just once. But never.
I want moments like this. Moments. I've had these moments. Not me. But someone else. Why can't I be someone else? So caught up trying to figure it out. Would I rather be you or be with you?
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Most amazing thing anyone's ever said to me. Even if he was lying.
"Josh. I love you."
"Really?"
"Yes, I seriously am in love with you."
"I love you too, Aly."
"Really, really?"
"Yes, really."
"You're being sarcastic."
"No. Aly, I love you with all my heart, and all my soul, forever."
"That's so mean to say if you don't mean it..."
"I do mean it. Aly. I love you."
"Oh. Well that's, like, not possible."
"Of course not. Keep denying it. I'll be here in love with you whether you accept it or not. So take your time."
"You're not IN love with me. You might love me, buuut..."
"Aly, I don't know how to convince you, but I am in love with you."
"STOP BEING SARCASTIC, JOSH. IT'S MEAN."
"I'm not being sarcastic. One-hundred percent honest. True truth is true."
"... Haha."
"No. Not a joke."
"Sarcastic Josh is sarcastic."
"No. I'm serious. I love you."
"Maaaybe, but you're not IN love with me."
"I am IN love with you."
"No, you're not. Prove it."
"I don't know what I can do or say to prove my love to you... but... come what may, whatever happens, whatever fails, through tragedy or celebration, I want to be there for you. I want to be there with you. Forever."
"This is really random, you know. You supposedly loving me, and... all that."
"Oh? Is it so random? Then I guess it's fitting we met on that board known as random."
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm no good at this love thing. I'm insecure. Sixteen years of hate will do that to a girl. Fix me?
Why do I say that so often? Fix me, fix me, fix me, fix me, fix me. I'm not broken. I'm not broken. I'm not. I'm not. I'm. I'm. I'm broken. I'm not broken. He loves me. He loves me not.
I'm not much a poet but a criminal. Love it or leave it, you can't understand. What's life like bleeding on the floor? You'll never let me leave. I'll wear this on my sleeve. Give me a reason to believe.
Quoting songs we haven't heard since '05, and there's a song on the radio that makes me think of you.
Things I'm not good at/to do list: love, trust, life, being loved. Jesus this is so long and there's so fucking much in my head. It's such a mess. There's not room for both of us in here, baby.
Don't tell me I'm pretty or cute, I'll argue. Don't tell me I'm hot or sexy, I'll laugh in your face. Don't tell me I'm smart, it's not my thing. Don't tell me you love me, you wouldn't if you knew me. Don't tell me I'm talented. Please, don't. Don't tell me you need me, I'll tell you you're an idiot. Even I don't need me. You're fucked if you need me, because I can't even be here for myself these days.
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Making out inside crashed cars. It's kind of my specialty.
xo.
