suicIDLE

I hate when I do this to myself.
I hate when I set myself up for heartbreak.
Does every car crash kid do this?
I want your heartbeat to swallow me whole.
Or something less romantic.
I wish I could feel the desire to eat the stars.
I think I'd rather stare at them and let my mind wander.

So tired of being sick.
So sick of being tired.
So sick and tired of being.

Lies in everybody's eyes.
I don't believe you.
Bus comes in eight minutes and I won't be on it.
Guess I'm searching for myself.
Even if it costs me my life.
I feel like I've been robbed.
Like someone reached into my life around the age of six and stole my only ounce of good luck.
Or maybe six years sooner.
I want to be happy. I do. But there's more to living than happiness. And unfortunately for me, that's too much to handle.

I'm not scared of death.
I'm scared of monsters and dying.
Does that make any amount of sense?
I fear hideousness and pain. Monsters and ghosts. Not death. Death is never hideous. Death is beautiful. Something to behold in awe forever and never fully understand. Monsters and ghosts are the hideous ones.
I don't think even robbers or rapists scare me quite like monsters do.
I understand the human mind far too much for another human to give me goosebumps.
The only thing I fear is...
The unknown.
And maybe that's why I've got butterflies and knots in my stomach.

Going back to sleep.
Hoping someone wakes me up and offers me some conversation so maybe I can stop being so suicIDLE this morning.
Loveyou loveyou loveyou. Alwayswill. Hopeyounoticemeoneday. Wantyoutobehappy. Butstillloveyou loveyou loveyou eitherway.

Get some sleep for both of us.
Okay.
I love you.
I love you too.
Night.
Night...

So much I want to say.

But sleep is like stitches on my lips and eyelids dragging me down.

True.Fucking.Love. Xo. ♥.