Change.

I have changed so much. I am constantly changing. Everyone is.

I haven't written in so long because of a girl. Reading back over my posts in here, I wonder what people would think of all the things I've said. I'm sure some are too obscene, others too tame. Sometimes I can't decide what I want to be like. I'm still finding myself. So I am trying not to delete the more embarrassing posts on here, but I simply hope that whoever you are, you don't judge me for what I wrote in the past. That me is not me anymore.

Little things that don't matter.

Do you remember Life. ?



He does. And I am so happy.

It's been a while...

He's right, he can write it better than I ever felt it.

"Sunday, August 17, 2008
edit:

i meant fuck off and die.

not im sorry.

posted by xo at 11:43 PM"

I wonder what was happening in his life three days ago that caused him to write those words, who they are about, and if he realized that they would reach anyone else and mean so much.

My friend's dad died one year ago today and I remember talking to her when it happened. I wonder how I have changed, though I'm sure it's for the worse. The same girl who sat there telling her everything would be okay does not exist in me anymore. I am no longer tolerant, nor caring. Sometimes I am proud of this and sometimes I am not. I'm sorry that I've changed. Who I was hates me for it, but like I said... she does not exist anymore.

I call this one,

I HOPE.

I've been haunted by the strangest dreams for the past couple of nights. Dreams in which the barrier between water and air is like an inside telephone, and it doesn't matter how many times you hack at someone's skin, they just bleed and laugh, laugh and bleed. Dreams in which I go with blind faith into a deep sleep and wake up an old man with bleeding eyes and aching joints. I think they are all listening, but they cannot hear me. Only one responds, and he tells me the truths, or what he considers to be truth. I have no choice but to trust him, because his explanation is the only one I've been offered. I dream of my family and I, floating upside down with the masses, all unclothed and trusting what we're told. Like sheep. But in my dreams, I am the only one who suffers for our ignorance. The man on the inside telephone tells me that I've been talking for decades. I can see the water barrier, the atmospheric barrier, and I bang my fists on it, but it's like bulletproof glass. It cracks, but never shatters. These are more real than the dreams of the past. Robotic surgery that makes me still to this day fear the water. Car crashes and gunshot wounds to the head. A bloody chainsaw, dentist's tools amongst children's toys, all animated and covered in blood in this big, empty house. And I know the only way out is to let them have me. Then I wake up unsure of what has just happened, knowing that it was all a dream, but wondering why it felt so real. And then everything suddenly seems quiet and still. My mouth feels dry and diseased. My brain is still half-asleep. I am aware of everything suddenly, paranoid and afraid and feeling so small in this world. I am still dreaming, hearing the cats but thinking that it might be the stuff of horror movies. Seeing the open doors and doorways and waiting for someone to come claim me. I feel my hair on my shoulders and it feels like a hand grabbing for me in the dark. I have always feared that if I think or speak about them, they will get angry and come after me. My body is so tense and I want this house to be full again, to not feel quiet and still. I do not want this kind of life for people I love. I do not want to have to ask her if she wants out and tell her that so does everyone else. This is not my life. These are not premonitions. These are just the morbid dreams of a girl whose brain will eat her alive some day.