Merry Christmas!

It's Christmas time. It didn't feel like it for such a long stretch of December, partly because I have not seen family yet this year and there has been no snow. I think, this year, I spent so much time worrying about getting good presents for everyone else that I didn't even think of what to ask for. I love that feeling.

I didn't realize until James' birthday how amazing it feels to do nice things for others. It's so uplifting. And I am such a selfish, sad person most of the time that it's so refreshing to just be able to do something selflessly for someone I care so deeply about.

Tomorrow, I leave for Arkansas. I am both excited and uncertain. The thing I am looking forward to most is seeing Matt. I am so psyched to see my big brother I can hardly even contain myself. He has treated me not-so-nice for most of my life, but I have that sibling complex, where I look up to him anyway. A word to the wise: be nice to your siblings. Treat them well. When your parents are dead and your friends are gone, your siblings will be there for you.

It worries me that I just cannot fit into the environment that I grew up in. I lived in Arkansas with my father from the time I was 6 to the time I was 14. That is a very, very long period of my life. I feel like I have changed so much over the past few years that I can't do anything to fit back into that mold.

I am vegetarian. I am a proud atheist. I am bisexual. I am withdrawn. I am musically centered. I am a writer. I am a nerd. I am all of these things that I was not last time I lived there.

I got the news recently that my cat passed away. I didn't know how to react at first - I didn't react at first. I cried a little, my friend Eddy held me, I wiped my eyes and moved on, and my dad told me that, of everyone in the cat's life, I was the closest to him. What? I haven't seen him in years. I haven't thought of him in months. I have a new cat, a new home, a new life. I couldn't even find his picture when I looked for it after the call. My dad told me that I should make a tombstone for his grave. I don't want that. I want my cat to be alive. I want him to have been loved while he was alive. I want him to have been able to come with me when I moved here.

We pick and choose our battles. I chose not to fight for him, and I made a mistake. Tommy, I'm sorry.

Tomorrow, I'm getting out of this town. I'm seeing my family. I'm forgetting about the internet for a while. I'm going to have fun and be happy, which is something I've been doing less and less of lately. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Don't I Know Who I Think I Am?

This is just a very prominent reminder of how quickly things can change. More and more lately, I'm finding that I am such an indecisive extremist that I can change my mind, my ideals, and my life in mere days. Essentially, right now, I can look back and read something I wrote a month ago, wondering who that person is and why she intimidates me so much. I know for sure that she is better than I am, and I am trying so hard to get back to that place.

Since I was thirteen, I've been very addicted to the idea of escaping my life to be someone else. I think of it like a plane with numerical points. When I'm at 1 I'm very aware, very active, happy, social. When I'm at 10, I'm alone, scared, an entirely different person. When I think of the time I've been farthest away from myself, I always remember sitting in my room, wearing the same clothes from the day before, no sheets on my bed, roaches in my room because I piled up old dishes, rotten capri sun taste in my mouth from not brushing my teeth, computer on 24 hours a day, even while I slept, pulled up next to my bed so I only got out of bed to go to the bathroom. I dropped out of school to be homebound because I wanted to live life inside of a computer screen. That was the lowest point of my life and I was an 8 on the scale.

Today, I am a 6. I have so much trouble talking about that point in my life. I told everyone that I had health problems and used it as a crutch, costing my mom thousands of dollars for MRI scans and medicines that I didn't need. Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to tell you yet.

The sad truth is I was terrified of who I was. And right now I am getting close to that point again. I do not see my friends on a regular basis. I am addicted to cigarettes. I am lying to keep from having to go out of the house. And I know that this, too, shall pass, and when it does, I will miss it. I am at a place where I'm wondering how long I can keep this charade up.