Hoping you don't notice that I still need you and hoping you're hoping the same.

Bored out of my mind.
Sorry I've been skipping updates. Haven't been feeling myself lately and can't write like myself anymore anyway.

Been practicing my 'I don't care' face in the mirror lately.
"Fuck you. You're replaceable. You never really mattered, I never really needed you. Don't think you're above this. Don't pretend you know when you know you don't. Leave. Get out. You wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat."
Do I have it down yet?

Starting to get this first time feeling that maybe everyone gets first time feelings.
Maybe everyone feels this way and that's why there's so much homocide.
Abortion rape and necromantics.
No, there wasn't supposed to be a comma between abortion and rape.
If I had the option of seeing me slit my throat and sticking around for a few days, I'd take it.
Yes, yes I would.

I have no sense of time or direction.
Sick of waiting for new bands to make new music.
Drift drift drift.
So you think you know how they live in Tokyo?
Used to love that song.
My room is such a mess, things scattered all over the floor and I don't even have sheets on my bed.
So sick of labels and paranoia.
Not that the two are related, anyway.

I have lots of resentment built up.
Wonder why the word 'resentment' always reminds me of my mother.
And maybe it reminds me of you a little, too.
I wish you would smile at me again like you used to.
I want you to be okay and best wishes for you always.
Love the way no matter what you're feeling or how crazy you may be, I can press my lips to that spot next to your ear and just sing to you and you'll close your eyes and drift off.
Am I your comfort zone?
I want to be.
I want you to need me because no one else does. How pathetic is that?
Been singing Bulls In Brooklyn like it's my theme song to you. It kind of is.
Hate how we fight, can't we be happy?
Or is that too much to ask for?
Am I asking too many questions for your pretty head to keep up with?
Shut up, go to sleep don't make a sound keep quiet like I've got this barrel of gasoline ready for you, precious.
Sometimes I think I'm too sadistic. Maybe that's just me.
Xo.

Tell me you love me. Not once, but twice, and then keep your mouth shut.

Hate how I always know just what to say to hurt you.
And never know what to say to make you smile.
Hate how I'm just not scared as much anymore.
Can't stand that I associate him with your words now.
Or him. Or him. Or him. But never you.
Never never you.
Can't stand that I love you too much,
so you always make me cry.
But he always makes me smile.
He always always makes me smile.
A line from one of my favorite movies ever is...
"Never never say never unless you mean it enough to say it twice."
Or something like that.
And here's a new quote for you from the storage rooms and attic corners of my mind.
"Never never say you love someone unless you mean it enough to say it twice. And if you do, always always say it."
I love you I love you. I miss you I miss you. I need you and want you and hope you're happy. I hope you're happy. Please feel better. Please please feel better. Be okay for me. Be okay for you. Be okay. Don't cry. Don't cry, don't cry. And I won't either. I won't, I won't. Hold me. Hold me, hold me tight, hold me close. Make me smile, I'll make you smile. I'm going to sleep.
On second thought.
"Never never say ANYTHING unless you mean it enough to say it twice."
Because if you don't?
Then it doesn't really mean shit,
so keep your mouth shut.
I love your poetry. I love love your poetry.
I love love love you. Sleeptime. Xo.

I do what I can with a crumpled napkin and a busted pen. (Thnksgvng Pt.1)

I've got delusions and headaches, but they couldn't touch you.

These are the things that made it back in my pockets alongside a lighter, some loose money, a couple of receipts, and two CDs. I needed some way to get my head a little less full.

First one (We ended up having a first floor room):
"If you could see the things in my head, would you hate me?
Faster, faster.
This is why I hate writing on paper. I absolutely hate it.
We're in the car and the neon lights tell me it's 8:46.
The neon signs tell me we've got two hours of road in front of us before our heads meet hotel pillows.
Listening to new TAI songs, and thank god for them.
I miss you I miss you.
When we get there, I hope our room is on the second floor.
I'll lean over the balcony and close my eyes and watch me fall.
It will sting like hell.
But it won't be any worse than thinking of you.
I miss hearing your words, it's not like they hurt much anyway.
dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance
I'm so afraid, I'm just stalling.
Xo."

Second one (I did end up getting the computer. Prepare for rant.):
"Things once so planned and cared for, now torn down and corrupted. I can only write what I feel, the rest is up to you. The computer (MY computer) is in Kayela's room. I doubt I'll have access to it. My room is her room. My things are now hers. I hate it, and they're calling Kristen and Jon "aunt and uncle" as if they know shit about us or our lives. Or care. They don't. Already, I want to get out. This town is not my home anymore. Nor are these walls. They are not my family. This is not my house, this is not my room, this is not my world. Hold me, please. I miss you. I can't wait until nighttime. Hold me. Xo."

Third one (Meant to add more, got distracted, etc.):
"When I said I'd be yours forever, I meant more like a curse, not like a lover."

I've never missed being suicidle as much as I did when I was there. I've never quite imagined I'd feel so disjointed.
When I came back and you seemed so excited and surprised, I swear my heart skipped a beat on the spot. But you'd never love me. What am I saying?
Thrashing in my own mind. I can't even get words out.
I can't even talk about Thanksgiving, it's all running together like I had a perfect picture painted out and the rain on the way back home pounded down so hard that it washed it all away and all that remains are melted mixed and soggy colors.
I'm glad to be home. I don't want to stay suicidle forever, but maybe just a little longer?
Patrick, stop making me smile so much. You're going to make my cheeks sore.
And everyone else, stop making me cry. You're going to make my eyes dry up.
I wish I was invisible as you make me feel. Maybe I am. Do you regret the things you said to make me feel like I was something special, or like I ever really mattered? Or did I ever really matter? Slow down, slow down.
Drip your poison words in my ears and watch the results as they seep into my brain and cause a seizure.
Haha, I love you so much I don't know what I'd do without you. Why am I thinking about you so much? Maybe I missed you more than I should have. I should quit while I'm ahead and breathe before I get hurt (by myself).
All in all I'm really just rambling.
I'm really so sore.
It was a good trip, but I wasn't impressed, and I definitely wasn't excited.
I never want to see them again.
But honestly it opened my eyes.
Change isn't such a bad thing. Because I'm here and not there. I miss things. But not most things. I hate things. But not some things.
I'm going to close my eyes and dream of him not you and hope you're jealous but know you're not.

XOXOXO.

When I said that I was falling apart, I meant that I was falling apart. (Thnksgvng Pt. 2)

So there you are, and here I am. I wish I could tear you apart.
Love me, or leave me, or rip me apart.
You never really deserved a choice.
I thought at the very least you'd leave me with the ability to still cry over you. I guess I didn't deserve that much.
But if you died in your sleep, I promise I'd still be everything I promised that I'd be.

I could've updated when I got there, or about 24 hours ago when I got back. I thought I owed it to myself not to.
Words can hardly describe it, but pictures say more than my mind can create.

The trip there and back was shitty and uneventful.
Lots of road. Lots of trees. Lots of signs. Lots of sleeping to avoid all the road and trees and signs.

Lots of bathroom rest stops and boredom.

Then we got there and the best part was seeing everyone.
My dad.

My step-niece, Gillian.

My step-nephew, Izaiah.

And if I could have only room for one in my heart, this cat would be on the top of the list. I love him forever, and I miss him more than you know. Tommy. ♥.




THIS is truefuckinglove. Xoxo.

Leaving!

Leaving for Arkansas, staying in a hotel tonight and getting there tomorrow for lunch.
Maybe I'll have some memories being where I was ten years ago, who knows.
Xoxo.

We don't fight fair.

Wear me like a locket around your throat, I'll weigh you down, I'll watch you choke.

Leaving in an hour.
Think there's something wrong with me, seriously, and don't know what it is.
This time tomorrow, we'll be there and I couldn't be less enthused.
Haven't had any real sleep in ages. I miss it.
I miss you.
I miss living.
Might update again before I leave, don't expect another one until Thanksgiving or the day after.


Xo.

Sleep, let me sleep. Stitch my eyelids to my cheeks and keep my breathing slow.

Again I'm too tired for a real update.
Haven't slept for days.
Think I'm losing a bit of myself.
So I'll just quote you and then go to sleep.

"From day one I talked about getting out, but not forgetting about how all my worst fears were letting out. He said "Why put a new address on the same old loneliness?" When breathing just passes the time until we all just get old and die. Now talking's just a waste of breath, and living's just a waste of death. And why put a new address on the same old loneliness? And this is you and me and me and you until we've got nothing left."

I miss you. Going to sleep. I'll dream of you and car crashes and happiness.

Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Arkansas. Won't be home until Sunday. I'll still try to update, no promises. No regrets. Xoxo.

Not a real post.

Too tired to update.
Too suicIDLE to care.
Going to sleep now.
Sleep well, car crash kids.
Maybe the world will come around before morning.
♥. Xo.

Suicide dreams (what I'd do sleeping in the bathtub of this motel.)

Can't listen to your voice anymore.
Eyes swell with tears, heart beats a little harder.
You pull on my heartstrings like it's your last chance to make it matter.
I drown in these tears and choke on these emotions.
Haven't been feeling myself lately, but what does that have to do with anything?
Wonder what being myself feels like anymore.
Things are so amazing when I see them through my eyes.
Wish for just once I could give you this. Give you me. Let you see and hear you through my eyes and ears. Feel what you make me feel. Breathe your own essence and let it intoxicate you like spraypaint and vodka.
Couldn't describe it in words if I tried.
Chest constricting, eyes water, nose tingles. A shiver runs down your spine and your heart skips a beat. You want it all to cave in on you right then and there with no regrets.
That's the best I can do, I'm sorry I'm not better with words.
Once upon a time, I tripped and fell and I haven't been the same since.
Trade these emotions in for a clean slate.
Can't figure you out, can't figure me out.
Can't figure the things you do to me into my schedule. Take a raincheck, babe.
I'm standing on the ledge of this balcony, on the wrong side of the railing.
Telling you not to come closer and I wish my legs didn't tremble at your touch.
Waiting, wanting, wishing for you to surprise me and pull me back into sanity.
I guess it's up to me, you just keep pushing me harder and harder.
Give me that melting smile of yours one more time.
Make me think it's all okay.
Then take my hands off this railing and give me a shove for all it's worth.
Hold your breath and listen for a scream or a splash.

Xoxo.

SO SICK OF THIS SHIT.

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

TAKETAKETAKETAKETAKETAKEITAWAY.
Just gonna cry myself to sleep, it's the only comfort I have anymore.
Rip out my emotions, slap some sense into me.
Slash some memories into my flesh.
Fuck it.

Patron saint of liars and fakes.

Liar, liar, soul on fire.
So I'm not really going to sleep, I guess. The words in my head are way too loud.

I think that phrase should be changed from 'Curiosity killed the cat.' to 'Curiosity will kill us all.' It's ironic, though, because in the end, lack of curiosity will be our demise.
You're a bull, my heart is just a china shop.
I analyze you so much, so you can hurt me that much more.
But I've never played fair.

My words are all lyrics or memes and there's nothing you can do about it.
People say we've changed.
I think they're right.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sometimes I wish my life was a horror movie.
And then I remember the things that go on in our heads.
And I realize we'd be screwed either way.
You make my world explode.
And he makes my heart swell and burst.
Exploring, destroying.
I can't keep doing this.
Waste my time.
Waste my life.
Are you through with me?
Never never never.

SLEEPTIME.

Disjointed thoughts and recycled phrases.

Sometimes I feel like all my friends are the same person.
Been crying a lot today.
It's interesting how the only sense I have that is ever numbed by repetitious exposure is that of disgust.
Every dot com's refreshing for a journal update.
You'll hear things repeated here that won't make sense to you, be it lyrics or phrases - they all mean I'm doing something specific and you won't understand.

"You've won the role, you've played your part, you've been cordially invited. But I'm not impressed, and I'm definitely not excited. 'Cause the film runs a shallow budget, and the writer's subject script isn't any deeper.
So dive right in."

So addicted to this song.
I'm sure I'm not the first.
I'm never the first of anything.
Getting to bed on time tonight - not much of an update anyway.
Funny how everything I ever did to inspire you was a fuck up.
Just gonna lay here and stare at the ceiling for a while and wonder why darkness scares me.
I have talents, I have abilities and strengths.
They enable me to get places in life.
Just not the places I want to be, is all.
Don't know if I'd rather be with you or be you. Just to know you would be enough.
Something so corrupt is so able to keep a hold on me and make me feel.
I fear it. I love it. I am it.
Turn it up, play a little faster.
I never mean a word of this, I hope you know. Learn not to take a thing I say seriously and save yourself some heartbreak, because I regret every brilliant thing I ever said.
I miss you. When will you be back?
My rituals changed for once and I hated it.
Once you complain it changes, and you realize you prefer the past.
I should stop tying (edit: was that a typo of 'trying' or 'typing'? maybe I should stop doing both) at 2AM.
Going to sleep.

Car crash kids... You know the drill.
And you... You make me smile. And so do all the things you've done right, I love you so fucking much, never change, never never change.
Yours truly, letting your words make me cry myself to sleep - or at least trying, because sorrow is all the rage.
Goodnight. Xo.

2☆R

The only map I'll ever need to find where my heart lies.

2☆R. i♥U.

Let's play this game called... (when you catch fire)

My thought process is nothing more than lyrics and twists. Big words and recycled phrases (and the bittersweet taste of other boys on your lips). Don't explain, I know exactly what you're going to say.

Ravaged. Torn. Ripped. Hurt. Broken. Slit. Sliced. Diced. Dead. Destroyed. Empty. Lonely. One and only. Tripped. Fell. Slipped. Given. Give in. Buy in. Reach in. Pull out. Pull up. Push down. Fall down. Fuck up. Cash in. Up front. Give more. Care less. Careless. Carefree. Caring. For me. From you. This time. Wishing. Wish for. Wish with. Wish time. Nighttime. Stars shine. Moon sleeps. Cloud nine. Take me. Break me. Bend me. Fake me. Love me. Hurt me. Touch me. Burn me. Leave me. Teach me. Learn me. Desert me. Dessert me. Discern me. Dictate me. Narrate me. Sing me. Breathe me. Live me. Kill me. Lifeless. Life less. Live less. Die more. Death wish. Ego trip. Egotistic. Slut. Bitch. Call me names. Give me shame. Hit me hard. Make me pay. Pay up. Give up. Sun's up. Get up. Live some. Die some. Laugh some. Cry some. Work hard. Play harder. Play games. New games. Old games. Friend games. End games. Work time. In line. Show up. Stack up. Line up. Number yourself. Statistic life. Sadistic life. Masochistic life. Masochistic wife. Beat her. Fuck her. Take her. Rape her. Kill her. Leave her. Forget her. Fuck her. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck up. Up chuck. Alcohol poisoning. Food poisoning. Ink poisoning. Mind poisoning. Mind fuck. Mind rape. Mind life. Mid life. Midlife. Crisis. Full life. No life. Fake life. Control life. Steer life. Steal life. My life. Your life. His life. Their lives. Our life. Our world. Our love. One love. True love. First love. Last love. This love. That love. In love. Lost love. Lust love. Love lust. Love less. Loveless. Love me. Kiss me. Hold me. Keep me. Want me. Need me. Watch me. Shatter me. Laugh at me. Yell at me. Shut me up. Give me a reason. End me this season. Winter, summer, autumn, spring. Hop. Drop. Flop. Shop. Shoes. Cruise. Bruise. Lose. Take it. Fake it. Break it. Shake it. Relationship trauma. Romantic breakdown. End it. Send it. Spend it. Sell it. Buy it. Buy me. Use me. Try me. Break me. Fix me. Save me. Rave me. Mix me. Trick me. Ice me. Burn me. Melt me. Heat me up. Hold me close. Fuck me hard. Treat me right. Love me tonight. Leave me tomorrow. Break me just right. Watch me fade. Pick me up. Try to fix me. Then give up.

Because no car crash is too hard for us.
We've been through it all and eaten the stars right out of the sky together.
I've let your heartbeat swallow me whole, and you've crushed me with your voice.
Never again.
Never never again.
Word (dis)association isn't really my thing.
Word games. Such a shame. So lame. Start a flame.
Kill it with fire and bury the memory.
His smile is your rope, wrap it tight around your throat.

Some more (for you):
Rock out. Get out. Get in. Give up. Live up. Expectations. Cancellations. Punctuation. Continuation. Rotation. Duration. Dilation. Filtration. Feels so good. Hurts so hard. Give too much. Get to rush. Give up on me. Sell me out. Forget my words. I won't forget yours. Don't leave me. I need you. Never stop being such a mess.

And one for Josh:
Correct me. Collect me. Select me. Direct me. Perceive me. Receive me. Believe me. Deceive me. Tell me you love me. Tell me I'm wrong. Teach me the truth. Learn me a lie. Live in the past. Deceiving. Dreaming. Digging. Distance. Dive. Drive. Drop. Die.

Car crash babies. Car crash kids. Car crash hearts. Truefuckinglove.
When I die, I want to be burned.
Sprinkle my ashes into the wind.
And let me FLY.
For all those times I've missed out.
Let me fly for just once.

Sleeptime. I won't cry for you because I know you wouldn't want me to. I love you. Xoxox.

Unconfident, incompitent.

Tell me I'm alright.
Make me feel like I matter for two seconds.
I think you're fixing me. What's wrong with you?

"So bury me, your memory.
His smile's your rope,
so wrap it tight around your throat."

My thoughts only make sense to me when you explain them.
Doesn't that mean something?
How you do this to me, painful ecstasy of realization.
Don't know if I love you or hate you.
Honestly I don't care as long as you're here.
Play games in my head to distract me from you.
So sick of watching what genius is.
And wondering why genius is so normal in extraordinary ways.
Love how you analyze everything.
With anyone else it would make me mad but you do it so right.
Learn and teach me at the same time.
About you and me and the world.
Confuse me like a toddler.
Make me feel a few IQ points dumber.
Then explain it to me and make me learn it.
I want you. Maybe only because you remind me of the parts I'm missing.
You think you don't get me.
I think you may be the only person who does.

A shade of rage in words and poetry.

Random thoughts for the day.

My mouth tastes like charred flesh and blood and sickness.
Wish I could wake up at four in the afternoon.
Saturdays are the best for all the wrong reasons.
And, honey, this life isn't big enough for the both of us, so find your own.
I like where we are. Here.
Our lips can brush, our cheeks will blush.
I fell in love with you so hard, you're the one I want.
Don't keep skeletons in your closet, you never know when they'll get out.
No good could ever come of this.
Your name is cheap, you look like shhh- you're just a whore.
Everything changes at the speed of light and somehow it's never fast enough for you.
So sick of this lack of confidence in everything.
I'm going to cuddle my cat.
Might go to sleep early tonight.
What a twisted world.
All puzzles have a solution.
All riddles have an answer.
All jokes have a punchline.
Don't you wish?

I know that today, right now, I can be free in this moment.
I know that today, right now, I can feel.
I can breathe. I can live. I can think. I can cry. I can laugh.
And I swear, I'm trying.

I don't love you like I loved you yesterday.
Would you have the guts to say...
Get out while you can.
I'm tapping my toes and wringing my hands and biting my lip, and wishing I could have you.
So sick of fighting.
Can't stand this helpless feeling.

------ A poem for you, you heartless bitch.
twist my words and wring my throat
i wish on stars and wreck old cars
im poison with no antidote
you sting like needles, cut like knives
take your own sweet babies lives
but you get what you give and dont give a fuck
you hope ill still love you with some luck
you break tiny hearts and wring tiny throats
dont forget to hide it all and make it rushed
you dont just break hearts, but spirits and trust
and you do this all without ever trying to do a thing but keep on lying
its okay though because youll need me
its funny now to you, you see
because you tell me im all yours
you think it's a game, this imaginary world
but ive got news, this world you see...
this world youve created for you and me
you tell me i should learn your rules
im sorry youre so mean and cruel
you laugh at me like im some joke and wish id choke
but - news for you - its YOU that broke
im the one that tries so hard to make you love me
wrecking cars and wishing stars - its never hurt like this
and one day ill get out and leave, youll realize in reality
youll realize then that you need me
and not vice versa, like you wish
so learn the rules of MY world, bitch.

-------
Living with impossible people.
It's like watching your soul being torn apart when you try.
And tearing theirs apart if you don't.
If only I didn't need you...

I swear, you're all the same.
Second chances should be a thing of the past.
People never change.
Sorry this one is a rant more than anything.
Can't stand the world much longer.
Stupidity and hate taking place of intellect and trust.
Don't know who to blame.
Can't point fingers right now anyway.

Leaving for Arkansas in four days.
Thanksgiving with the relatives and early Christmas presents.
Seeing my cat and tons of pictures.
I'll keep you all posted when I can.
Going to sleep soon.

Sleep well, car crash hearts. Don't break on me just yet, tough it out a few more decades.
Xoxoxo.

Missing old friends and old habits.

Harder. Rape my childhood like I want it.
Faster. Shatter everything I grew up on.
Rougher. Knock the kid out of me.

Spammm it into my head. Life is a waste.
And you can't stand it.
I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it.
Do you regret everything that you said to ever make me feel like I was something special, like I ever really mattered? Or did I ever really matter...? But you're not saying you're not breaking some hearts tonight. I'll take back everything I ever said, I never meant a word of it. I never did.

So sick of the same old thing.
But I guess it's better knowing the world hasn't stopped just yet.
The same routines in the same old scene - it's the same damn thing.
Missing old friends and old habits, and old familiarities.

But I'm still not worrying, I swear.

Goodnight, all you car crash kids. Make me proud and keep your hearts and wrists in tact for one more night so you can hold me as I wake up and whisper that you love me while I'm in that far-away place just between sleep and waking, and my eyes are freshly opened so you know that no matter what I dreamt of, you're the only thing on my mind, at least for a couple of seconds...

Xoxo.

Thoughts thrown together like a kindergarten collage.

These thoughts I think and think I should keep.
And I don't, because I forget.
Then dig them up from the back of my brain.
Throw them together like a kindergarten collage.
Sloppy gluestick messes and mismatched colors.
Words strewn together on a whim.
Signed and dated to be hung up next to the macaroni artwork and poorly drawn portraits of family and friends.
The kind where the smiles are big, the sun is shining, and the crayon is smeared with the oreo crumbs you had for snack.

I always write better when I'm exhausted, let's give this a try.

Fingers numbed only when they shouldn't be.
Like writing an important letter or giving a hug.
He doesn't need a name, he just needs to be there.
So it doesn't really matter if he's you or not, because it might change by next Thursday.
Lost my train of thought and now the train is headed towards a concrete wall.
Come crashing down all over me and drown me in your genius.
Wish I could see ghosts the way she does and watch her sleep.

Don't worry, don't worry, you tell me again and again.
I won't, I won't, I don't have to pretend.
Our next president will be better but who's to say they won't be the next fuck-up?
Everyone has flaws but I'd still go with Ron Paul.
I swear I won't worry. Not about you, at least.
I'm going to sleep and I'm so glad you're one less thing keeping my eyes open.
I wish I could say you were one less thing on my mind.
But I hate lying to myself.
So do it for me.

Sleep well, sweet prince.
Sleep well, skeleton king.
Sleep well, queen of havoc.
Sleep well, princess of death.
And sleep well, all you car crash kids.
Sleep well, because you may not be royalty, but you mean the world to me, so isn't that what counts?

I love you. Xo.

Ups and downs, upside down.

Up or down?
Ups and downs...
Upside down.
I'm not impressed, and I'm definitely not excited.
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills, and you - who are you kidding?
I'm not sayin' that I'm not breakin' some hearts tonight.
Alright, alright, slow down...
[noise: The Academy Is... - Slow Down]

"honey is for bees, silly bear
besides theres jelly beans everywhere
its not what it seems, in the land of dreams
dont worry your head just go to sleep
doesnt matter how you feel
lifes just a ferris wheel
its always up and down, dont make a sound
when you wake up the world will come around
its just sweet weather and peacock feathers
in the morning itll all be better
dont worry your head just go to sleep."

This random kid makes me smile.
William Beckett is adorable, he's going to sing me to sleep and I love himmm.

You tell me not to worry and I won't. I'm going to sleep and thinking of you.
Xoxox.

Lies, lies, in everybody's eyes.

I never want to see you unhappy.
I never want to see you again.

Hold myself tight to keep out the cold.
And wish you were here to heat me up.
Second chances never never mattered.
Opinions change, but people won't.
So, so, glad I have you, I can't even think of words. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about you and how much I needed you.
My head was troubled and in such knots before you.
And I swear to god, you're so comforting. The way you're a mess is fixing me.
Except not.
Because I'm still broken.

You tell me not to worry my head.
And sleep.

Okay. I trust you.

Xo.

There's a light on in Chicago, and I know I should be home.

'Cause all the colors of the street signs, they remind me of the pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's.

I listened to this album today while I took a bath.
And I wondered about that line.
Is the pickup truck multi-colored, or are you just looking at one type of street sign?

I should really be sleeping.
But I'm not.
As usual.
As long as someone IMs me and wakes me up at a decent hour tomorrow, I suppose it doesn't really matter.
Not that anything really matters.
Because nothing really matters anymore.
My cereal has bugs in it, and I can't be bothered to stop eating it.
I'm not that hungry, it's just that nothing really matters.

Honey, I'm gonna make it out alive.
So kiss me goodbye.
Baby, I would kiss you hello and goodbye and anything in between.
But I'd rather kiss you goodnight.
Wonder why I'm so obsessed with sleep.
I feel like I can never get enough of it.
And yet, it's such a waste.
Maybe my fascination stems from something deeper, like the thought of sleep.
It's like death. Just shorter and not quite as painful.
Be back later.
I hope.

Xo.

If this ain't love, then I don't know what love is.

Silly girl, stop falling in love.

......Please?

Silly boys, stop making her fall in love.

But you know she likes it. She wants it. Give it to her rough.

----

22nd post, huzzah.

If you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I'm not okay.

Looking into the past hurts.
But only because I know I can't look into the future.
Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me. Fix me.
The only words I ever need to say.

Xoxoxo.

I'm just a caterpillar, but my cocoon is broken.

Watching myself change.
It's like a backwards moth-esque cocoon cycle.
Innocent caterpillar.
You watch it spend days and careful planning preparing a cocoon.
Then weeks reconstructing itself inside.
Emergence is the disappointment to this story.
My life works backwards.
You wait so long to meet that beautiful butterfly.
And each time, another form of larvae emerges instead.
To grow into a new caterpillar and restart the process.
Will I ever meet my butterfly?

My body is eroding.
My mind is eroding.
My life is burning beneath me.
My being is slipping into the unknown.

After going through so many lives, I can't help but wonder what's next. I know I can't control or choose it, but I want to know. I wonder if I'll do this my entire life.

Your smile makes me smile.

Commence camwhoring.

(Sometimes) I think being me is better than being you could ever be.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight stars.
Goodnight you.
Goodnight me.

I wasn't joking when I said your smile makes me smile.
In fact, it may be the only thing that does anymore.
I honestly think you and him need each other.
Maybe almost as much as I need both of you.

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all. The morning rain clouds up my window, and I can't see at all. Even if I could, it'll all be gray. I put your picture on my wall. It reminds me that it's not so bad. It's not so bad.

Just remember, this smile is for you
and all the other car crash kids I've fallen in love with.

Forever.
And ever.

I'm going to sleep, finally.
Xo.

I can see the venom in your eyes.

So, kiss me goodbye. I can see the venom in your eyes.
I wish for this hour I could be him instead of myself.
I wish for just once I could be you and see what it's like.
I love you.
I miss you.

Xo.

Talking in circles and living with squares.

Fuck talking in circles and lyrics today, I'm making a real blog.
Got an idea from one of the FOBR boardies today.
So I did what she's doing and I put two posterboards up on my wall to write stuff on. She said she's writing inspirational phrases on hers.
On mine, I might just write lyrics or thoughts, I'm not sure.
Seth left like ten minutes ago to go to the Fall Out Boy concert. And I hope he has fun.
But honestly I couldn't be more fucking jealous.
I'm so happy he's going to go though.
But.
I just wish I could see them.
It's so funny, though - every concert I go to, I think "Well, this is no different than watching live footage on YouTube. It just costs money, gets my feet stepped on, and I can't do it in my pajamas."
But I suppose I could go to a concert in my pajamas...
I still go to concerts either way, and I don't know why. I'm broke.
My cat is burrowing under my blankets like a little rodent. It's creepy. And cute.
My wall doesn't look quite so bare anymore...
And about that posterboard.
The only thing on it so far is 'Hold your head high, heavy heart.'
More to come, I suppose.
I may watch a movie today. Not quite sure.
I may watch four movies today. It's just one of those days, I guess.
My cat just sneezed from under my blankets and I worry about her suffocating.
I guess she'll be okay.
I hate just writing. Normal. Like this.
I hope Seth has fun tonight. But I'm sure he will.
I want him to come back and tell me about some Pete flirting with Patrick type stuff.
Because I'm such a Peterick fangirl.
Even though they don't do that much anymore.
I do believe my cat has either suffocated or fallen asleep.
But I'm too lazy to check.
I guess I should go now, and see what movies the television can offer today. And perhaps hope the kitchen has some nourishment for me.
Think I'll stick to talking in circles and lyrics from now on.

Xoxo.

Tell me that you're alright.

Please tell me you're okay.
I'm only doing this to myself because I want to hear your voice.
I want to know you're alright.
And I don't want you to hurt anymore, ever.
Get some sleep, precious baby. And I will too.
Maybe I wonder about you too much.
Maybe I worry way more than I should.
But I need you to be okay, please.

Please.

I'm going to sleep. I want to know you're alright when I wake up.
Loveyou. Xoxoxo.

'Cause GOD it feels so good.

-I'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top.
Dying has never felt so good.
-If you could, then you know you would.
-Because GOD it just feels so good.

I'm honestly so sick of trying.
This downfall is so welcome.
It scares me, but not enough.

Every dot com's refreshing for a journal update.
Tell me what you're feeling. Tell me you're okay.
You're starting to scare me.
Almost as much as I scare myself.
I'm watching your dreams come true.
And none of them involving me.
Silly girl, you're invisible.
Silly girl, you're invisible.
Silly stupid fucking girl, you're INVISIBLE.
You don't fucking exist, you never fucking will.
You're a ghost.
I'm a ghost.
But I'm your ghost.
You're my opposite.
So sick of staring at beauty.
Two seconds away from ripping the pictures off my walls.
Brb, shedding my skin.

Walls once so beautiful now bare and broken.

-Doctor, doctor.
Is it serious?
-I'm afraid it is.
-Am I gonna die?
-Well...

Can't stand how blank this wall looks now.
Wonder if I'll ever grow out of this phase.
It's all in my head. Let's get it out.
Who will be next to grace these walls?
Is it all a lie?
Hold your head high, heavy heart.
Please, please hold your head high.
Take a chance, it's the last you'll even get.
Please, please hold your head high.
Please, please hold your heart high.
When you're drowning what will you keep above water, head or heart?
Let's not be suicidal tonight, shall we?
Wish I wasn't so sick. Wish I never discovered this cabinet of poison. Or any of the others I've found in my life. I guess everyone does at one point or another. It all depends how much you drink, this stuff is addictive.

I miss you.
I wonder if your words are better than his.
Or anyone else who came before you, for that matter.
I just want to see you.
And I guess it just hit me that so many people feel you every day.
But I'm not one of them...
I want to be. I want to be, so bad.
What are you doing right now?
I hope you're sleeping. I'm sick of getting sleep for both of us, baby.
You need to chip in your fair share.

Goodnight, invisible moon and stars.
Sleep on a pillow of clouds tonight.

Xo.

suicIDLE

I hate when I do this to myself.
I hate when I set myself up for heartbreak.
Does every car crash kid do this?
I want your heartbeat to swallow me whole.
Or something less romantic.
I wish I could feel the desire to eat the stars.
I think I'd rather stare at them and let my mind wander.

So tired of being sick.
So sick of being tired.
So sick and tired of being.

Lies in everybody's eyes.
I don't believe you.
Bus comes in eight minutes and I won't be on it.
Guess I'm searching for myself.
Even if it costs me my life.
I feel like I've been robbed.
Like someone reached into my life around the age of six and stole my only ounce of good luck.
Or maybe six years sooner.
I want to be happy. I do. But there's more to living than happiness. And unfortunately for me, that's too much to handle.

I'm not scared of death.
I'm scared of monsters and dying.
Does that make any amount of sense?
I fear hideousness and pain. Monsters and ghosts. Not death. Death is never hideous. Death is beautiful. Something to behold in awe forever and never fully understand. Monsters and ghosts are the hideous ones.
I don't think even robbers or rapists scare me quite like monsters do.
I understand the human mind far too much for another human to give me goosebumps.
The only thing I fear is...
The unknown.
And maybe that's why I've got butterflies and knots in my stomach.

Going back to sleep.
Hoping someone wakes me up and offers me some conversation so maybe I can stop being so suicIDLE this morning.
Loveyou loveyou loveyou. Alwayswill. Hopeyounoticemeoneday. Wantyoutobehappy. Butstillloveyou loveyou loveyou eitherway.

Get some sleep for both of us.
Okay.
I love you.
I love you too.
Night.
Night...

So much I want to say.

But sleep is like stitches on my lips and eyelids dragging me down.

True.Fucking.Love. Xo. ♥.

Okay.

It isn't darkness I'm afraid of.
It's the absence of light.

I'm going to sleep, for real. Up in two hours. Funfun.

(Be my substance.)

Xo.

Crashing.

Baby... I'm crashing.

I need you more than you know.

Silly girl, you're just an illusion. Silly girl, you're just an illusion. Silly girl, you're just an illusion. Silly girl, you're just an illusion.

Don't cry.
Please?
Don't cry.

I'll pretend you're here until you're here. You'll never be here so I'll play pretend until I'm sick. You can't blame me for trying.

You'll be my last thought before nighttime.

I want dreams.
I want to dream of you.
Give me dreams, good or bad.
Give me dreams of me and you.
Give me dreams.

Don't cry, baby girl. I'll be your security blanket with a heartbeat if you'll pretend you need me.

I'm crashing so fucking hard.

Truefuckinghate. Yeah. Xoxo.

Don't give in, don't give up. I don't look innocent.

I always put myself in destructive situations.

I should be sleeping. I should be sleeping. I should be sleeping. I should be sleeping. And I'm not.

Feels so good to be able to laugh. And scream. And cry.
You never miss emotion until you lose it. Then you do.
Guess that goes for everything though.
Feels like everyone around me is celebrating happily and cheerful and welcoming with warm arms and accepting tones.
And I'm screaming.
Thrashing.
Telling them all to burn. I should. IshouldIshouldIshould. I can't. I can't be myself. Much less who I want to be.
Today I looked in the mirror. The girl I saw wasn't me.
Has it ever been? I think anything original about me is a mistake. I'm a collection of ideas and theft. A walking crime.
"How have you been?" "It's SO good to see you." "How's school?" "Give me a hug!" "I missed you." "How are you feeling?" "Please shoot yourself in the face with a shotgun."
Car crash kids are always finding the songs they need to keep them floating. Just in time. Be my hero.
Gummy bears jelly beans lollipops candy.
This TAI song is all I ever want to listen to.
Giving presents, seeing family, taking pictures, walking into wrecks.
I went to a tea party. Yes, a fucking tea party. I wish I was kidding.

I have a box of sharp objects. Justincase.
I wish I could keep l i/o ving.

I wish I could give up/in.
I wish I could give/throw up.
I wish I could/would give up.
I wish/know I could give up.
I/You wish I could give up.

I have a box of sharp objects. I put them in my mouth. To remember what metal tastes like. To remember what you taste like. I feel you. I love you. I need you. Obsession vodka tonic taste.
I got a weird feeling today. Like a lack of breath and sudden chill. Like the kind you get when you suddenly realize you're dripping on a stage.
This TAI video is all I ever want to watch.
This life is all I ever want to live.
Cure me.
Pleasepleaseplease cure me.
Cure me. Cut me. Slice and dice, baby.

My brain knows one direction. Circles. I'm getting used to it, though.

Don't remind me what I've done and where I've been, when it all comes crashing...

I fell today.

I haven't been feeling good.
I had four teeth brutally ripped out of my skull a couple days ago. Perhaps that has something to do with it?
Forgive the lack of updates, I've been a busy kid this week.

--------

I fell today.
The kind of falling where you're not sure if you're falling up or falling down.
You might as well be falling sideways for all you know.
The kind of falling where you're not sure if you love it or hate it.
You might as well be neutral for what you've got.
I feel today.
I fell today.
I tripped and landed in mid-air.

-------

Does he get you, too? That boy that bites his lip when he plays his guitar and smiles when you scream. That boy that isn't really daring, but has more guts than you'd ever dream. That boy that's changed so much, somehow, but he's still the same. That boy that went from an innocent kid to something less tame.

I didn't even mean to rhyme those, wtf.

Does it hurt you when I tell you I'm not in a playful mood tonight?

You're exploding too slowly for anyone to notice. I'm imploding to quickly for anyone to care. We're made for each other, swear to god it's true. I've heard stories of you saying you're good and ones saying you're bad, and I don't know who to believe. I want my own stories to tell so I can confuse everyone else.

---------

Fragmented people are always the best. There's never a whole person that's as pure as a part.

The past was better, the voice is perfect, the face and eyes, the body or the style. Never all at once. I like you better now that you're naked on the internet.

---------

But... We've got a big BIG fucking mess on our hands tonight.

---------

[[Going to the dentist in the morning to get my stitches out. There's nothing worse than a chatterbox having cheeks sewn to gums. I'm only hoping the bleeding will stop. ]]

First time for everything.

JoshyBazer:	hello
Riyukko:	hey.
JoshyBazer:	i love you
Riyukko:	... <3?
JoshyBazer:	♥
Riyukko:	I love you too.

-----------

What?

Hm.... Yeah. ♥

This story's going somewhere.

You only hold me up like this, 'cause you don't know who I really am. I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive. Now I only waste it dreaming of you.

----

Short absence of blogging.
Eye doctor appointment. They put drops in my eyes. Dilators. It paralyzed my pupils so they couldn't contract. Ever looked into the sun? I did all day today. Headlights burn through you when you're defenseless.
So obsessed with being someone else. It's sick. It's my escape.

I steal your words so I can feel them. I steal your worlds so I can fear them.

I steal your words so I can feel them >> I only keep myself this sick in the head...

I've got headaches and bad luck, but they couldn't touch you. I'm not trying. Disjointed thoughts. Disjointed joints. Carpal tunnel. Bad vision, check. Getting glasses actually. Date a rockstar, take a picture, freeze time, make them yours. Long after you're gone, you'll still be envied. Hahaha. Uncensored. I don't care about my stupidity.

I drift sometimes. My brain goes to fast. I know you said you wanted to be the last thing I thought of at nighttime. I want to be the last thing on your mind. You're the last thing on my mind. You're the last thing on my mind before I drift into dreamless sleep(less nights). That's all mine. I just want to make something BEAUTIFUL. I'll never be the same.

At night, my hands belong to you. Your nails trail my flesh, your lips brush my shoulder, your hands grasp my hips.

Trying that again. Hate typing a lot. Uncensored. Come as you are, get what you see.

Nails trail flesh, lips brush shoulders, hands grasp hips, knuckles caress necks, fingers lift skirts, undo zippers, unclip clasps, slip straps, nails dig into skin, then into covers, arms go around waists, foreheads nuzzle chins, eyelashes brush cheeks, teeth bite lips, breath wisps hair, tears stain cheeks, blood drenches thighs. Along with other things. Then again as always. Always. Always. Just once. But never.

I want moments like this. Moments. I've had these moments. Not me. But someone else. Why can't I be someone else? So caught up trying to figure it out. Would I rather be you or be with you?

----------

Most amazing thing anyone's ever said to me. Even if he was lying.

"Josh. I love you."
"Really?"
"Yes, I seriously am in love with you."
"I love you too, Aly."
"Really, really?"
"Yes, really."
"You're being sarcastic."
"No. Aly, I love you with all my heart, and all my soul, forever."
"That's so mean to say if you don't mean it..."
"I do mean it. Aly. I love you."
"Oh. Well that's, like, not possible."
"Of course not. Keep denying it. I'll be here in love with you whether you accept it or not. So take your time."
"You're not IN love with me. You might love me, buuut..."
"Aly, I don't know how to convince you, but I am in love with you."
"STOP BEING SARCASTIC, JOSH. IT'S MEAN."
"I'm not being sarcastic. One-hundred percent honest. True truth is true."
"... Haha."
"No. Not a joke."
"Sarcastic Josh is sarcastic."
"No. I'm serious. I love you."
"Maaaybe, but you're not IN love with me."
"I am IN love with you."
"No, you're not. Prove it."
"I don't know what I can do or say to prove my love to you... but... come what may, whatever happens, whatever fails, through tragedy or celebration, I want to be there for you. I want to be there with you. Forever."
"This is really random, you know. You supposedly loving me, and... all that."
"Oh? Is it so random? Then I guess it's fitting we met on that board known as random."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm no good at this love thing. I'm insecure. Sixteen years of hate will do that to a girl. Fix me?

Why do I say that so often? Fix me, fix me, fix me, fix me, fix me. I'm not broken. I'm not broken. I'm not. I'm not. I'm. I'm. I'm broken. I'm not broken. He loves me. He loves me not.

I'm not much a poet but a criminal. Love it or leave it, you can't understand. What's life like bleeding on the floor? You'll never let me leave. I'll wear this on my sleeve. Give me a reason to believe.

Quoting songs we haven't heard since '05, and there's a song on the radio that makes me think of you.

Things I'm not good at/to do list: love, trust, life, being loved. Jesus this is so long and there's so fucking much in my head. It's such a mess. There's not room for both of us in here, baby.

Don't tell me I'm pretty or cute, I'll argue. Don't tell me I'm hot or sexy, I'll laugh in your face. Don't tell me I'm smart, it's not my thing. Don't tell me you love me, you wouldn't if you knew me. Don't tell me I'm talented. Please, don't. Don't tell me you need me, I'll tell you you're an idiot. Even I don't need me. You're fucked if you need me, because I can't even be here for myself these days.

-----

Making out inside crashed cars. It's kind of my specialty.
xo.