Change.

In the past, this blog was something I was ashamed of: a place to let out only my worst thoughts and only in the most cryptic way possible, and most of it boiled down to "help me, I am hurting." I want to change that. Those thoughts are still inside of me. I do still want to marry Ryan Ross and I do still feel like scum on the bottom of someone's shoe when my mother yells at me and I have done nothing wrong, but now I know that these are the ways of life. I wear dark colors, I cry sometimes when things go wrong, and I still care more deeply about people I have never met than I do about those closest to me. I am still bad at saving money and I do not understand some simple motivations and mechanisms that most people possess, but I am learning.

I have shaved my head, I have wrecked a car, I have lost every single friend I ever had and gained some of them back. I have hurt people on purpose, I have manipulated others, I have lied. I have also done things just for the sake of making someone else feel good. I have been inspired in a way that makes me giddy and excited with the desire to run around and clap my hands. I have stopped dying my hair every week and learned to live without purple or blue strands in it. I have learned to dress more appropriately. I am walking on thin ice constantly, but I am also relishing in knowing that when I get to thicker ice I will skate and skate and skate and let nothing pull me back once I am ready to take that leap.

I have not gone to college. I'm not sure I ever will. I also haven't found a boyfriend or learned to stop making perverted jokes in front of people. I still write stories about boys in bands. I still lie. I haven't lost weight, but I have learned that there are other things in life more important. I am vegetarian and I don't think I will look back from that.

I could go on and on. The main point is that I have not found my niche yet, and I am still one of those people who steals their inspiration from others, but I am so much more optimistic. I am so inclined to rush down the street and yell "ARE YOU LIVING?!" to every single person I see, because I want that for everyone, most of all myself.