Something To Live For

How is it that I feel so passionately? This introspection, this fear - it's putting me in a place where the fraility of my mind and body becomes more apparent every day, and with each small change I make, I realize how easy it can be to lose oneself. Take your pulse. Check your rearview mirror. Have you ever been lost in your own mind and clawing to get out into some other place? I'm stuck physically, emotionally, financially. In all the ways that a person can be STUCK, I am. I'm staying up all night and waking up too early. I'm selling all my things and trying to get away from the sad, lonely place that I'm in. I'm begging for an out. I give other people outs, but how can I give myself one? I'm thinking back on who I was and listening to who I am and feeling all the ways that I'm not good enough. Help? I want to scream it at the top of my lungs. I want to tear it from my chest. I want to shove it in your face. HELP. For the love of god, fucking help me. Please. I don't know what I'm doing, in all honesty, and it's so likely that I never will. I'm clawing at reason. Please don't hold this against me when I'm gone. I need this from you. Keep me safe.

There has never been a time I thought that it would be like all the others. Every person that I write for and try to hold onto, I think I really will somehow manage to hold onto. I'll dig my nails and teeth in and wrap my arms and legs up tight and you'll never get away. But, somehow, there never is the right one. Somehow. Do you hear what I'm saying when I'm shouting at you, or are you like everyone else? I think you're something special. But, then again, I always do. And even if you were? You're too far out to grab.