Complexities & Gratitude

123, 123, check, check, 123, check.

In life, you are faced with options. Up or down, left or right, this or that, here or there. All sorts of options that, in the grand scheme, add up to big decisions that are lifechanging when they all fit together, and most of the time you can't even recognize them until they've passed. We're not fortune tellers, but hindsight is 20/20. You always know what you shouldn't have done. You never know what you should do next. It's all very difficult and complex. You could die tomorrow. You could live a hundred years. No one ever, ever knows.

There's a way to think about this that makes it not so overwhelming, I'm sure, but I don't know what it is. Every way I've thought of this makes it more complicated than the last. How will you ever know what to do? You just have to hold your breath, cross your fingers, and dive in, don't you? Well? Don't you?

This is me about to dive in. This is me really, really trying hard to dive the fuck in. And please, please don't let this be harder than I can afford for it to be.

Peace, love, life.

///

This disconnect, this detachment. This anger and this hurt. I've found a hole inside the mask by digging in the dirt. I've given it new meaning and I've set it way up high, so that when you try to catch me I can run instead of cry. I ran so fucking far last night and got so far away. Dropped into another world, I wish that I could stay. You held my hand and looked at me and for a second I. Was pretty sure that everything would be just fucking fine.

You know that meant the world, right? Your skin on mine for two seconds in a way that's less intimate than almost anything you've ever done? I don't know why I pulled away. Well, I do. I'm scared to take more than what's offered. I was scared of you pulling away first. I was scared to look back when you looked in my eyes. I was fucking terrified. And I had the best night of my life with the lights and the bruises on my legs and knees - I wouldn't trade a goddamn thing for that. Not one goddamn thing, do you know that? Do you know that I love you a hundred thousand? Do you know that you're the reason I saw my best friend again? And now I want to go back for her? Do you know that? Do you know that I cried for a little while just listening to you? Do you know that thousands of people feel this same way? Do I know that? Of course I do. And here comes the disconnect.

Houston, we have a problem.

This is Aly signing off happier than I've been... Well, fuck. Ever. Happier than I've ever been. And this is what really matters. This. THIS IS WHAT MATTERS. So, thank you for that. Thank you so much.