Merry Christmas!

It's Christmas time. It didn't feel like it for such a long stretch of December, partly because I have not seen family yet this year and there has been no snow. I think, this year, I spent so much time worrying about getting good presents for everyone else that I didn't even think of what to ask for. I love that feeling.

I didn't realize until James' birthday how amazing it feels to do nice things for others. It's so uplifting. And I am such a selfish, sad person most of the time that it's so refreshing to just be able to do something selflessly for someone I care so deeply about.

Tomorrow, I leave for Arkansas. I am both excited and uncertain. The thing I am looking forward to most is seeing Matt. I am so psyched to see my big brother I can hardly even contain myself. He has treated me not-so-nice for most of my life, but I have that sibling complex, where I look up to him anyway. A word to the wise: be nice to your siblings. Treat them well. When your parents are dead and your friends are gone, your siblings will be there for you.

It worries me that I just cannot fit into the environment that I grew up in. I lived in Arkansas with my father from the time I was 6 to the time I was 14. That is a very, very long period of my life. I feel like I have changed so much over the past few years that I can't do anything to fit back into that mold.

I am vegetarian. I am a proud atheist. I am bisexual. I am withdrawn. I am musically centered. I am a writer. I am a nerd. I am all of these things that I was not last time I lived there.

I got the news recently that my cat passed away. I didn't know how to react at first - I didn't react at first. I cried a little, my friend Eddy held me, I wiped my eyes and moved on, and my dad told me that, of everyone in the cat's life, I was the closest to him. What? I haven't seen him in years. I haven't thought of him in months. I have a new cat, a new home, a new life. I couldn't even find his picture when I looked for it after the call. My dad told me that I should make a tombstone for his grave. I don't want that. I want my cat to be alive. I want him to have been loved while he was alive. I want him to have been able to come with me when I moved here.

We pick and choose our battles. I chose not to fight for him, and I made a mistake. Tommy, I'm sorry.

Tomorrow, I'm getting out of this town. I'm seeing my family. I'm forgetting about the internet for a while. I'm going to have fun and be happy, which is something I've been doing less and less of lately. Deep breaths, deep breaths.