Don't I Know Who I Think I Am?

This is just a very prominent reminder of how quickly things can change. More and more lately, I'm finding that I am such an indecisive extremist that I can change my mind, my ideals, and my life in mere days. Essentially, right now, I can look back and read something I wrote a month ago, wondering who that person is and why she intimidates me so much. I know for sure that she is better than I am, and I am trying so hard to get back to that place.

Since I was thirteen, I've been very addicted to the idea of escaping my life to be someone else. I think of it like a plane with numerical points. When I'm at 1 I'm very aware, very active, happy, social. When I'm at 10, I'm alone, scared, an entirely different person. When I think of the time I've been farthest away from myself, I always remember sitting in my room, wearing the same clothes from the day before, no sheets on my bed, roaches in my room because I piled up old dishes, rotten capri sun taste in my mouth from not brushing my teeth, computer on 24 hours a day, even while I slept, pulled up next to my bed so I only got out of bed to go to the bathroom. I dropped out of school to be homebound because I wanted to live life inside of a computer screen. That was the lowest point of my life and I was an 8 on the scale.

Today, I am a 6. I have so much trouble talking about that point in my life. I told everyone that I had health problems and used it as a crutch, costing my mom thousands of dollars for MRI scans and medicines that I didn't need. Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to tell you yet.

The sad truth is I was terrified of who I was. And right now I am getting close to that point again. I do not see my friends on a regular basis. I am addicted to cigarettes. I am lying to keep from having to go out of the house. And I know that this, too, shall pass, and when it does, I will miss it. I am at a place where I'm wondering how long I can keep this charade up.